John Smith

John "Not-A-Vampire-At-All" Smith was formerly known as Count Vargo St Gruet von Vilinus and is not only a Black Ribboner but the President of the Ankh-Morpork League of Temperance. A reformed vampire at the most extreme, Smith makes every effort to conceal any signs of vampirism. Although it should be impossible to roll your W's, "John Smith" is able to, leading to sentences like "As Commander of the W-w-w-watch, Sir Samuel..."

Rumour has it that he's finding going "B-total" very hard, and with his manic smile, permanently sweaty face and bloodshot eyes, it's easy to believe...

He has a teacup with many holes in it, where he's inadvertently bitten it. He wears appalling home-knitted jumpers and smokes a pipe in the belief that this will help him blend in. It doesn't. He also collects bananas and creates models of human organs out of matchsticks because he believes that hobbies help make him more human. Again, they don't.