Igor
| Igor | |
 | |
| Name | Igor |
| Race | Human |
| Age | depends on which part |
| Occupation | Igor |
| Physical appearance | stitched together |
| Residence | Typically cobwebbed dungeons, but wherever a spare hand is needed |
| Death | postponed by transplants |
| Parents | Igor and Igorina |
| Relatives | all named Igor(ina) |
| Children | |
| Marital Status | |
| Appearances | |
| Books | many |
| Cameos | |
Igor is the common name of all male members of an extremely extended family in Überwald. Most Igors are professional servants to mad scientists or noble vampire families. Igors are also extremely good transplant surgeons. They like to pass down good organs and deft hands through the generations much as other old families would pass down heirlooms. Igors also like to do cosmetic surgery; the effects on most Igors are spoiled because they like to leave the stitches in, but the daughters of Igor families (Igorinas) are very beautiful.
A spare hand where needed is their slogan. An Igor expects to do emergency surgery for any patients or accident victims (ex. wounded soldiers, lumberjacks who had trees fall on them, etc), without payment, regardless of religion, nationality, or species. The Igor would replace any limbs that had been detached, sew up any wounds, and possibly even put in a better pair of kidneys if some were available. In return, an Igor expects the healed patient to become an organ donor one day, when he or she passes away and has no more personal use for his/her organs. The Igor always seems to know what day that will be. If, at the last minute, as the Igor stands by the bedside, the former patient refuses to do this final courtesy, the Igor will leave quietly, no fuss, no argument, but no Igor will come and help this family or camp again, ever.
Igors also like to do research in their spare time; research subjects include the uses of electricity, the benefits of doubling the number of certain organs on a transplant subject, and any green liquid bubbling in a beaker. Many Igors consider vampires the best employers, because they sleep all daylight hours and sometimes play dead for decades, and it is easy to cater to a vampire, and unlike mad scientists, vampires seldom ask the servant Igors to go and gather research materials. Working for a vampire can leave the Igor a lot of free time for his own research. Igors are also often very intelligent.
Igors have some sort of a Code of Igors, rules that they have made up for themselves. A good Igor lisps and limps if possible (actually most Igors can also talk without a lisp, but no good Igor would do that without being ashamed). It has been noted that Igorinas lisp less. When called by the employer, a good Igor appears immediately and mysteriously behind the employer or in some corner of the room. A good Igor is very discreet, never gossips about the bad or just weird things that his master has done. A good Igor lends a hand where needed, maintaining lists of donors and recipients for organ transplantation. A good Igor does research in his spare time. Most importantly, a good Igor has no inherent loyalty toward his employer. Although madness is not required in an employer, Igors often work for vampires, werewolves, or mad scientists, all people who break ordinary human moral rules, and are in danger from mobs with pitchforks. An Igor has no intention of dying, like his master, at the hand of a mob; so when the angry villagers break into the master's castle or laboratory, the Igor is never there - they always know the little hidden back door through which they can silently leave when necessary. Through experience with crazy masters a good Igor feels directly impending danger in advance and knows when it is time to pack up and leave to find a new master. It is also 'not done' for an Igor to warn anybody else, although it is not unheard of for them to drop gentle hints that now is a good time to visit a sister some way away.
To the untrained eye, Igors all look identical. They can most easily be differentiated by the pattern and style of the stitches on their face and other visible areas. Also, the pronunciation of the name "Igor" varies slightly for each Igor (or Igorina). It is often confusing when an Igor tells an ordinary man something along the lines of "Take this jar to Igor... tell my brother Igor he can have... I haven't heard from Igor for quite a while, I wonder if my cousin Igor knows..." and so on.
Igors have also started to work in a collective known as We-R-Igors which finds Igors for marthters across the disc.
Igor at Ankh-Morpork City Watch, Ankh-Morpork
The Igor in the Ankh-Morpork City Watch is unique as a pioneer in the field of bioartificing, with the goal of being able to grow individual organs in a tank to use for transplantation, instead of waiting for a suitable donor to pass on.
This Igor is a young man, for the most part, although he has inherited his grandfather's hands. He is unemployable in Überwald because he is too modern; he refuses to call any man master, he breeds body parts instead of waiting for donors (he calls it bio-artificing) , and he doesn't lisp - at least most of the time: In Thud! the lisp is very present, and in Night Watch it he forgets it only sometimes. At the end of The Fifth Elephant, this Igor was introduced to Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh, Commander of the Watch, then temporary ambassador of Ankh-Morpork by Igor. Sir Samuel had recently seen an Igor's skills at repairing severe injuries, daily hazards for the Watchmen, so Sir Samuel expressed a desire to hire an Igor. This young Igor, modern in öutlook - e.g. Wearing a DA haircut with extended quiff and wearing crepe soles - and independent on donors, suits the Ankh-Morpork City Watch quite well, although he does have a traditional Igor's abilities to come when called, takes instructions for healing a little too literally, performs his own little experiments when he has time, and generally seeks to make people 'better', rather than merely 'well'. The watch Igor is visualised in the 2015 We-R-igors yearbook, in an illustration by Peter Dennis. Strangely, this lacks the distinctive D.A. quiff. Maybe being crewcut is a Watch regulation for male officers.
Igor at Ankh-Morpork Embassy in Bonk, Überwald
Appears in The Fifth Elephant. This was the first Igor to greet Sir Samuel Vimes, temporary ambassador from Ankh-Morpork to Überwald. This Igor came with the house, which used to belong to the werewolf Baron Guye von Überwald. This Igor's loyalty seemed to be to the house, so at the time, he was loyal to the service of the Ankh-Morporkian embassy. He was the one who told Sir Samuel about some of the local customs, cooked him the excellent local dishes, and reminded him of the very important point that Ankh-Morpork Embassy was considered Ankh-Morpork territory. On an ordinary day, Igor seemed to grumble about the changes that Sir Samuel wanted to make to the house (taking down all the hunting trophy heads, for example) while Sir Samuel exclaimed in shock at the Überwaldean sausages that were all meat. On the day that Igor was unfortunately murdered, he recounted to Sir Samuel which transplant recipients, patients of which Igors, were waiting for which organs. Igor was killed by an insane werewolf. This Igor may be approximately considered an uncle to the young Igor who went off to work in the Ankh-Morpork City Watch.
Igor at the Baron's, Bonk, Überwald
This Igor is the third Igor to appear in The Fifth Elephant. By the time Sir Samuel Vimes, totally untrained diplomat, meets this Igor, Sir Samuel is able to distinguish between individual Igors and appropriately bring greetings from the other Igors.
Igor at Biers, Ankh-Morpork
Not actually an Igor. Just a man called Igor. Be aware, and don't ask him about it.
Igor at the Lady Sybil Free Hospital
This Igor enjoys his work at the LSFH and aids in many operations. He has been able to set up a lightening collector and can retain the charge for a day after a thunderstorm. In these cases he can use this electrik technology to give a life sustaining jolt to dying patients. In Unseen Academicals he is aware of one mortally wounded patient who is rushed in, but recovers before Igor can even treat him. Igor recognises the nature of this patient, Mr. Nutt and warns his friend Trevor that "many strange things come from Überwald" and that he should expect to hear screaming in the near future if Mr.Nutt stays around. His case is not helped by Trevor pointing out that Igor also comes from Uberwald, and he remains friends with Nutt. Another blot on this Igor's record would be a disturbing rumour that a few of his experiments have gone wrong in the past, including a winged hamster bending the bars and escaping its cage...
Igor at Jeremy Clockson's, Ankh-Morpork
Jeremy Clockson, appearing in Thief of Time, is a member whom the Clockmakers' Guild in Ankh-Morpork watches with awe and caution, due to his genius at (extremely) accurate clockmaking, and his tendency to be violent toward people who approach time in a haphazard manner (such as, for example, habitually setting their clocks fast). A mysterious Lady LeJean engages Jeremy to make an absolutely accurate clock, and, at the Igors-R-Us agency in Überwald, hires an Igor to be Jeremy's assistant. The Igors-R-Us agency is run by Igor's aunt Igorina, who realized that an Igor often finds himself unemployed due to no fault of his own, because his employer has recently been killed by a mob, as happened to this Igor's previous employer Screaming Doctor Berserk.
This Igor's grandfather Igor happened to have served an Überwaldean mad scientist who made a glass clock, which would theoretically be absolutely accurate. To Jeremy, Igor imparted the secrets of glass jars of acids for storing tame lightning for the purpose of powering the clock. Igor also made many of the parts for Jeremy's new glass clock.
Like his family members, Igor is good at picking up signs that the employer is insane. Mostly, the traditional signs are gloating, dribbling, mad cackling, and being dressed in unconventional fashions. In Jeremy, Igor spotted the opposite signs: everything perfectly in place in labeled drawers, and having a perfectly timed daily routine. He soon enough worked out, however, that while sticking screws up your nose is definitely insanity, keeping them in carefully ordered jars is not necessarily sanity, and made himself at home - although he did start to get worried when Jeremy didn't start going "THEY CALLED ME MAD!!!! I'LL SHOW THEM!!!!!" after stopping his medication.
Igor who worked for Demented Doctor Wingle in Bad Schuschein
This is why Igors sometimes get a bad name. Igor worked for a mad scientist long ago in Uberwald in the town of Bad Schuschein. The fact that his master was known as 'Demented Doctor Wingle' should have given some clue as to his nature, that and the fact he planned to build a glass clock to imprison Time herself. Despite the intervention of the History Monks, the clock was activated and, for a moment, Time stood still. The clock failed due to the only metal part, a spring, being unable to take stress. What happened next is a mystery to all but the Men In Saffron, but afterwards Igor said that things were different. That his master had never built the clock, but was instead working on a plan to extract sunlight from oranges. Igor would later leave his hands to his grandson Igor, who went on to gain employment with Jeremy Clockson in Ankh-Morpork, where he would begin work on a unique clock, a project that would cause Igor's inherited hands to start twitching in memory...
Igor at Don'tgonearthe Castle, Überwald
This Igor appears in Carpe Jugulum. He is the loyal servant of Bela de Magpyr, a vampire aristocrat of the old school. Igor knows that the true way of life for a vampire nobleman is to be a good sportsman, and so he assists Count Bela De Magpyr in making Don'tgonearthe Castle a good place for adventurous young men from recently attacked towns to have a good time hunting for the Count. Count Bela De Magpyr flogs Igor every day, an act that Igor considers only good and proper. Igor is in charge of making the doors creaky, making the candles dribbly, and making the dungeons dusty and full of cobwebs, taking dust to scatter on the floor and whipping the spiders into work when necessary. When Count Bela De Magpyr went to sleep and his nephew took over the Count title, the Castle, and decided to be a modern vampyre, Igor became very disgruntled.
This Igor, like others, is a good transplant surgeon. He has a dog named Scraps (in his pronunciation "Thcrapth") who has parts of different dogs, and two tails. Other than being loyal to Count Bela De Magpyr, Igor's deepest emotional attachment is to Scraps.
Igor at Reacher Gilt's, Ankh-Morpork
This Igor appears in Going Postal. An experienced Igor knows how to spot dangerous madness or other self-destructive characters in an employer, and when to pack up and leave before the mob arrives.
Like all good Igors he has the ability to appear behind the master when called. Apparently he once worked for a cruel master with an enquiring mind who would call for him with his back to a pit of spikes - until one day the master forgot about the spikes and fell into them. When he later came to work for Reacher Gilt, Gilt tries a similar test using a bear-trap.
At first sight, Reacher Gilt had been just a rich man who wanted a very discreet and very skillful servant. Later on, Gilt plotted the deaths of his enemies almost in the manner of one who was panicked. And then, Gilt started boasting to a room empty except for himself, the Igor, and a parrot. Since boasting to empty rooms and your servants is not the best sign of sanity, he packed up and left before his master escaped the city. Igor also bent the Code of Igors to warn the housekeeper, telling her now was a good time to visit a sister in Quirm. The housekeeper was very skilled with a knife, and an excellent maker of steak and kidney pudding; there was some degree of friendship between the housekeeper and Igor.
Igor at Hobson's Livery Stable, Ankh-Morpork
This Igor was mentioned in Going Postal. Veterinary work is untraditional for an Igor, but it is said that he is doing well. There are some rumors that he assembled halves of dead horses into a new, live horse.
Igor in the Ins-and-Outs, Borogravia
This Igor appears in Monstrous Regiment. In fact an Igorina with deft hands and an ambition to be a doctor for women's problems, feeling that a woman patient might feel easier at heart to know that the surgeon is a woman. Igorina disguised herself as an Igor by putting her scalp with long hair into a jar, and putting eighteen stitches across the forehead to pretend to be old enough for the army. Like the other recruits, Igorina wore somebody's old clothes at the sign-up, but the clothes that she had found were particularly dusty, as if they might have been in a coffin. Igorina tried to enter the army to gain hands-on work experience (because an Igor must help all patients, friend or foe), so that she can convince her father that she is suitable for setting up independent practice. Igorina signed up with Sergeant Jack Jackrum of the Tenth Infantry, nicknamed Ins-and-Outs, of the army of Borogravia, and served under Lieutenant Blouse. Igorina sometimes forgot to lisp but otherwise acted as any good Igor, helping all injured men that she came across.
After the war Igor set up a clinic in Polly's home town of Munz where she ran a successful practice helping patients who preferred having a female doctor.
Igor at Lady Margolotta's, Bonk, Überwald
This Igor is the second Igor to appear in The Fifth Elephant. For a few embarrassing moments, Sir Samuel Vimes, totally untrained diplomat, mistakes this Igor for the Igor who works at the embassy.
Igor who works for Doctor Thaumic near Bonk, Uberwald
This was the fourth Igor that Sam Vimes met while in Uberwald during the The Fifth Elephant and by this time he had gotten the hang of telling them appart - the secret is in the scar patterns. Igor worked for Doctor Thaumic who lived on the other side of mountains from the city of Bonk. Igor was brother to the Igor at the Anhk-Morpork Embassy and father to the Igor who went with Vimes to work for the watch. Igor did not approve of his son's new ideas about 'bio-artificing' and grown spare body parts rather than taking them off dead bodies. He was also dismayed by his son's rejection of the class system and refusal to call anyone 'master' as it made him totally unemployable in Uberwald. Igor begged the Duke of Ankh to take his son with him to the big city, something Vimes was only to happy to do, having been impressed by the medical skill of the Igors.
Aunt Igorina who runs We-R-Igors at Bad Schuschein
A forward thinking Igorina who has set up a fully clacks-linked We-R-Igors network operating out of the Old Rathaus in Bad Schuschein in Uberwald. It links up helpful igors to prospective employers and will even ship them there in a crate if required. A useful service, as often an Igor finds himself without a master, through no fault of his own, the master having tragically died due to his windmill being burned down by an angry mob, or his monster having gone berserk, or even lead poisoning due to his being impaled on a pitchfork...
Igor at the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork
This Igor appears in Making Money, working in the vaults of the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork. He has discovered how to perform mind transplants, using the mind of a luckless parsnip, although his actual job is looking after the Glooper and Hubert Turvy.
Between Igor and the somewhat unstable Hubert, they managed to make the Glooper absolutely perfect, to the degree that not only did the city affect the Glooper, but the Glooper also affects the city. But since Igor has not yet discreetly left Hubert's services, it can be assumed that, as the Igors would put it, the mob won't hit the windmill for a little while yet.